Nightmare
I saw him touching her, kissing her, and pulling her into him. I saw him looking at her the way he was supposed to be looking at me. There was nothing that I could do to stop it either. I was screaming at the top of my lungs but nothing was coming out. Why is he doing this to me when I have been nothing but amazing to him? I just want this to stop. I close my eyes, open them up and here I am in bed.
I look beside myself in bed and there you are. It was only a dream. A terrible, terrible dream. He is sleeping so restfully. I roll back over, pull the blankets close and close my eyes. The vision is there again playing out before my eyes. This time I know I am in a dream, but it still feels so wrong. I feel myself crying and sobbing. I wake myself up as I catch my breath.
I roll over to him again and he is starting to become restless. I wonder how he can sleep through my crying, but there he is tossing and turning. I lay there just watching him trying to figure out if he would really betray me as he has in this dream. The hardest part was it wasn't just a blank face. It was his ex. The last girl that he loved. My heart feels heavy in my chest. I can taste bile building deep within. I cough to try and keep myself from throwing up.
He finally rolls towards me and wakes up looking a little distraught. A tear trickles down my cheek as I tell him the details of my dream. He sits up in bed face in amazement and tells me how he had a dream about cheating on me with the same girl. All the air in my lungs releases at the same time. I struggle to try and pull it back in. The only thing that makes sense to me is that it has happened or its going to happen. How does someone just dream about their ex and think that is okay? I can feel my face burning hot with anger, confusion and pain.
He leans in close to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. "It was only a dream babe. You do realize that right?" Castiel says in such a cool demeanor.
I just glare at him. I mean come on! How is he being so cool and calm sounding about this? "Dream or not you dreamed about her, too!" I say with such distress.
He goes on telling me about how miserable he woke up knowing that this dream shouldn't have happened. I mean I get it he feels bad, but how do two people end up having pretty much the same dream? I don't even really know how to respond to him, but I occasionally shrug or "Mhm" when he tells me it was just a dream or the fact that we are laying in bed together right now.
"It was just a coincidence hun," He says to me. "My heart belongs to you and you know it so that is really all that matters."
"That's wonderful. Your heart belongs to me, but your sex drive belongs to her?" I quickly retort. His heart? I mean how cliche does that sound? It's like he is making it okay to cheat on me because I have his heart so that seems to be all that matters to him.
"You know that isn't the case at all." He says. "I don't even remember having sex in the dream, just knowing that it happened and that it shouldn't have happened."
"Damn straight it shouldn't have happened. Not in a dream. Not in real life." I say to him with tears beginning to pour out. My breathing becomes really labored as I fight to not cry in front of him. I feel so weak right now and completely out of control. I turn away from him so that he can't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry. First he cheats in this dream that supposedly isn't real and now he gets to watch me cry.
"I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to say. I told you that my heart belongs to you. I can't really control the things that happen in my dreams anyway. " Castiel says to me with as calm of a voice he has.
"I absolutely hate this. You don't even know the number that this is doing on my self-esteem. You should be having dirty dreams about me! Not one of your exes!" I feel like our relationship is part of a damn soap opera. I completely lose it and start sobbing. The air around me seems stales and I don't want to breath it in, but I need to inhale.
He grabs onto my shoulders forcing me to look right into his aquatic eyes. "Look Laylah. I am being as calm as I can be about this whole situation. I didn't even have to tell you that I had a dream about cheating on you, but I did. I don't have to tell you anything, but I always do. I have been nothing but honest with you this entire relationship."
"I know but,"
"But nothing Laylah. I always am open and honest with you and sometimes I wonder why. I mean come on. I have told you things that no one else in this world knows because I trust you and for what? So that it can just come back to haunt me and blow up in my face?"
"Castiel I just."
"You just what? I hide nothing from you. Why don't you trust me?" He says in a heavy tone.
I sigh and take in a deep breath. This doesn't feel real.I look at him, really look at him so he can see the sincerity in my eyes. "I do trust you, but it is really hard to be okay with you having a dream about cheating on me. It hurts."
He looks at me with reciprocated sincerity. "I get that it hurts. It hurt me in the dream. It hurt me when I woke up. It hurt me telling you, but it hurts because I know it's wrong and I have no intention whatsoever of ever cheating on you."
I get lost in my thoughts. Him cheating. Him not cheating. Him kissing another girl. Him kissing me. The blurred lines between reality and a dreamed state seem so hard to decipher. If he dreams it then does he want it? Does he think about cheating on me? Does he even want to be with me anymore. I swallow the hard lump that had built in my throat.
"I couldn't handle you cheating on me. I just love you too much to endure that type of pain." I say as I look away from him.
He remains calm and wraps his arms around me pulling me into him the way he did to her in the dream. "Well you have been completely irrational about this whole thing, but I love you so can we just leave it at you loving me and I loving you and no one cheating on the other?" He asks while running his hands through my hair.
I sit there for a moment not really sure what to say. I want the pain away so I feel like I should just push this away for the time and take advantage of him warm embrace. "Tell me again who you love." I say to him.
"I love you Laylah." He says emphasizing the you.
I just want this to be over and need to change the subject before my heart explodes in my chest. I look at him trying to form a smirk, but not really sure if it read that way. "And who is better in bed?"
"Wow babe." He chuckles. "You are better in bed and I love you."
I close my eyes as he caresses my hair and runs a finger across my chin. Him cheating. Him touching. Him loving. I push down those fears as he he takes my cheeks in his hands and kisses me softly on his full lips.
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