Ending March Rant

Sometimes I get really tired of the way things are.  I try so hard to be a fighter and to stay strong despite my constant want to just give up or that I can't stop feeling like I am not going to get my happily ever after. I just want to be back with Castiel so damn bad. People are constantly telling me that I am an idiot and that he is manipulating me, but I find that crazy. He has been nothing, but honest with me about everything since the beginning. He could have cheated on me and kept me in the dark, but he didn't. He chose to be honest with me from the beginning and tell me the situation. Abaddon is the one who came into our friggen lives and ruined everything. She is the one who is pretty much a damn home wrecker. I mean sure, Me and Castiel weren't exactly at the best point in our relationship but it was still me and him. Now it is me and it is him and there is her. I am setting him free and letting him do what he needs to do. Yes we are still dating and it has been almost a month and he has yet to even spend time with her, but still. It hurts. The not knowing. I was never a fan of new relationships and I feel like this is a new relationship. Yes we know we love each other, but this chick got under his skin and he feels as though he owes it to her. Blah. I really hope karma is real because she has something coming to her if she thinks she can just ruin a relationship. Oh well. He is still dating me and at this point in time she has no idea. 

Okay I am done with my daily rant. 

New Mother Sonnet

I had to write a sonnet for creative writing and I wrote it about the birth of my child.

New Mother

The smell of disinfectant lingering in the air,

This wasn't my intention or my ideal plan.

Unfortunately I must submit now to the surgeons care,

Denied birthing a child to make me a real woman.

The needle is inserted and I lose most feeling.

My doctor cuts deeps so she can remove my little one.

Minutes seem to drag on as I gaze up at the ceiling.

I am ready now to see you my first born son.

I feel the tugging as they finally pull you out,

Gurgling sounds of the infant with his blue complexion.

Relief washes over me and alleviates all doubt.

I see you child laying there in all of your perfection.

Emotions run rapid, steady do they flow,

For now I am your mother, a guardian to you, my little boy*.

I had to change the last word of the sonnet due to the fact I used the real name of my son in the sonnet. 

When I was pregnant with my son I wanted so badly to have the most natural childbirth possible. I ended up going through a week of induction of labor because he was late and would not come out. Also I have anxiety and the doctor didn't like the idea of me having him in so late while I was stressing. After a week of induction the doctor said I had finally gotten to a point of dilation where I could be on pitocin. I was in labor for about 6 hours of intense pitocin induced labor while the doctors waited for my water to break. She finally decided that she was going to break my water because I was in a lot of pain between the back labor and the added pain from the medication. Unfortunately my son wouldn't drop so every time the doctor tried to break my water my son would push back into my ribs and refused to drop. That was when the doctor decided that I need to start getting prepped for surgery and have my son that night. It was my birthday so I wasn't thrilled that I was going through all that pain and now had to have surgery. I cried because I felt as though giving birth to a child was a right of passage as a woman and mother. I underwent the surgery and had my child pulled from my belly. Although I am sad because my pelvis isn't shaped right and I can never give birth to a child, I was so incredibly happy that moment they brought him to me and I knew that he was mine. I really was a mother and it was going to be all right. I also would share something special forever with my son because he was born on my birthday, scratch that, our birthday. 

The Playlist

Note: In some cases I am not going to leave a comment about it because the song really says enough.

1. The-Dream - F.I.L.A.

This is actually our song. I even rewrote the lyrics to this song at one point to fit to our situation. He really did make me fall in love..

2. The-Dream - Sex Intelligent

Kind of a cocky choice to put on the CD, but true. I could end up with someone else, but he will still remain in my thoughts. 

3. Ne-Yo ft. Candance Jones - Sexy Love

4. Ne-Yo - Lets Just Be

This is special cuz it is nice to know that he likes to just hang out and be with me. Plus that night he totally gave me his hoodie to wear when I went outside.

5. Justin Timberlake - I think that she Knows Interlude

Nice to hear because sometimes I really don't know.

6. Joe Budden ft. Emanny - You and I

This one means a lot to me for the mere fact there is a line in the song that has to do with him trying to break up with his girl, but he she wouldn't let that happen and he was glad about it. 

7. Cassie - Me & U

8. Ne-Yo - Get This Right

I want to get this right too. And right now I am not officially his girl and he his not officially my man and of course I want to make it official again. So hopefully we do this right and it happens sooner than later. 

9. Keyshia Cole ft. Mario - Heaven Sent

Yup

10. Ne-Yo - When You're Mad

Well at least now I know why he loves to do little things to make me mad. And he told me after that I do get the little wrinkle above my nose when I make my "Angry Face".

11. The-Dream - Purple Kisses

Yea he has this thing about running his hands through my hair and messing it up especially when it looks really nice. I never wear purple lipstick though. haha. Pink lip gloss kisses? 

12. The-Dream - Veteran

What I really need is him..

13. The-Dream - Bed

Yea, we have a good sex life. haha. But it would be nice to be taken care of after some of the shit I have been going through lately. Yup. Waiting.

14. The-Dream - Panties to the Side

When we first started going out we were listening to this song on the ipod in the car. There is a teaser trailer on youtube about a bunch of girls getting all hot and bothered while listening to the song so when it came on in the car I started singing it and joking around acting like the girls in the video. He was laughing and smiling at me. He later told me that that night he told his brother that he knew in that moment that he had fallen in love with me. So yes, This song has a big place in my heart for love even if the song is very dirty.

15. The-Dream - Turnt Out

I couldn't find a good version of this whole song :/

16. The-Dream - One In a Million

17. Civil Sound - More Than I could Say

He told me that he had heard this at one point and it took him forever to figure out who sang it and what the name of the song was but he had to put this on the cd.

18. Ne-Yo - Stop This World

A Jealous Friday Night

    So last week when I was hanging out with Castiel his friend happened to text him and one thing you should know about Castiel is that he is a big stickler about texting and having grammatical errors. He told me that he was hanging out with his friend that Friday night and his friend asked him what he wanted to do, but butchered the way he said it so he even showed me. I had no reason to not believe him considering he showed me the text and everything.
   Then Friday came along. We were texting each other as usual. And then his friend showed up. He was texting me a little less and less as time passed. The jealousy in me started to grow bigger. Was he actually hanging out with Abaddon and lied to me? Was he sleeping with her? What was going on? My imagination had completely gotten the worst of me. I texted a few snarky things with no response. I tried to ruffle his feathers, but instead he chose to not respond to me at all. 
   The next morning passed and still no response. Was it cuz she was there with him? I felt so sick to my stomach and everything was mixing around in my head like a tsunami of fears and doubt. He finally texted me around noon apologizing for not texting because he had apparently gotten incredibly crunk. I was apprehensive to believe because he could be easily lying to me, even though he hasn't shown any signs of lying to me yet. 
   I finally got him on the phone and he was incredibly hung over. We had made plans for that night and I needed to know what was going on. He said he would take a shower and see how he was feeling. He called me back and still felt miserable. I decided that I needed to tell him how I was feeling. I felt like I wasn't a front runner anymore and that he was going to end up With Abaddon instead of me. He told me that he had just been spending time with his friends and having a good time. He asked if we could reschedule for the next day and I said that was fine, especially since he would be taking Monday off just so that he could spend the night with me. That in itself made me feel a little better about the situation. 
   The next day he showed up at my house. I made him a really delicious dinner, (Chicken Marsala with Mushrooms). He even said that it was so good that he would buy it if it was offered at a restaurant. We had a really nice night full of laughing and flirting. He even looked at me at one point and was like Laylah, you are so amazing. I could feel his heart and warmth in love in that moment.
   As he was leaving Monday afternoon he handed me a Cd that said Laylah, My bib on it. (Bib is a bit of an inside joke between us which translates to babe). I asked him if it was one of those cds he always jokes about making with Canibus "Fuck you" on repeat on it? He laughed and told me to just listen to the cd because he put a lot of thought and effort into it. 
  

The Break

This is another assignment I had to do for my creative writing class. We had to write about the end of something using one word lines. This is what I wrote.

The Break

Parking.

Hesitation,

Waiting,

Knowing.

Anxious.

Heartbeats,

Rapid,

Pounding,

Unsteady.

Trembling.

Deferred,

Confirmed.

Denial.

Teardrops,

Droplets,

Dripping,

Dropped.

Blurred,

Distorted,

Swallow.

Inhale.

Pleading.

Aching.

Rejected.

Grasping,

Questioning,

Uncharted.

Apprehensive,

Unrecognizable,

Broken,

Discarded,

Lost.

Nightmare

I wrote this for an assignment for creative writing, but this did really happen so I thought that I should post this for a little more insight to my situation. This was months before anything disrupted our relationship.

Nightmare

I saw him touching her, kissing her, and pulling her into him. I saw him looking at her the way he was supposed to be looking at me. There was nothing that I could do to stop it either. I was screaming at the top of my lungs but nothing was coming out. Why is he doing this to me when I have been nothing but amazing to him? I just want this to stop. I close my eyes, open them up and here I am in bed.

I look beside myself in bed and there you are. It was only a dream. A terrible, terrible dream. He is sleeping so restfully. I roll back over, pull the blankets close and close my eyes. The vision is there again playing out before my eyes. This time I know I am in a dream, but it still feels so wrong. I feel myself crying and sobbing. I wake myself up as I catch my breath.

I roll over to him again and he is starting to become restless. I wonder how he can sleep through my crying, but there he is tossing and turning. I lay there just watching him trying to figure out if he would really betray me as he has in this dream. The hardest part was it wasn't just a blank face. It was his ex. The last girl that he loved. My heart feels heavy in my chest. I can taste bile building deep within. I cough to try and keep myself from throwing up.

He finally rolls towards me and wakes up looking a little distraught. A tear trickles down my cheek as I tell him the details of my dream. He sits up in bed face in amazement and tells me how he had a dream about cheating on me with the same girl. All the air in my lungs releases at the same time. I struggle to try and pull it back in. The only thing that makes sense to me is that it has happened or its going to happen. How does someone just dream about their ex and think that is okay? I can feel my face burning hot with anger, confusion and pain.

He leans in close to me and puts his arm around my shoulder. "It was only a dream babe. You do realize that right?" Castiel says in such a cool demeanor. 

I just glare at him. I mean come on! How is he being so cool and calm sounding about this? "Dream or not you dreamed about her, too!" I say with such distress.

He goes on telling me about how miserable he woke up knowing that this dream shouldn't have happened. I mean I get it he feels bad, but how do two people end up having pretty much the same dream? I don't even really know how to respond to him, but I occasionally shrug or "Mhm" when he tells me it was just a dream or the fact that we are laying in bed together right now. 

"It was just a coincidence hun," He says to me. "My heart belongs to you and you know it so that is really all that matters."

"That's wonderful. Your heart belongs to me, but your sex drive belongs to her?" I quickly retort. His heart? I mean how cliche does that sound? It's like he is making it okay to cheat on me because I have his heart so that seems to be all that matters to him.

"You know that isn't the case at all." He says. "I don't even remember having sex in the dream, just knowing that it happened and that it shouldn't have happened."

"Damn straight it shouldn't have happened. Not in a dream. Not in real life." I say to him with tears beginning to pour out. My breathing becomes really labored as I fight to not cry in front of him. I feel so weak right now and completely out of control. I turn away from him so that he can't have the satisfaction of seeing me cry. First he cheats in this dream that supposedly isn't real and now he gets to watch me cry. 

"I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to say. I told you that my heart belongs to you. I can't really control the things that happen in my dreams anyway. " Castiel says to me with as calm of a voice he has. 

"I absolutely hate this. You don't even know the number that this is doing on my self-esteem. You should be having dirty dreams about me! Not one of your exes!" I feel like our relationship is part of a damn soap opera. I completely lose it and start sobbing. The air around me seems stales and I don't want to breath it in, but I need to inhale. 

He grabs onto my shoulders forcing me to look right into his aquatic eyes. "Look Laylah. I am being as calm as I can be about this whole situation. I didn't even have to tell you that I had a dream about cheating on you, but I did. I don't have to tell you anything, but I always do. I have been nothing but honest with you this entire relationship."

"I know but,"

"But nothing Laylah. I always am open and honest with you and sometimes I wonder why. I mean come on. I have told you things that no one else in this world knows because I trust you and for what? So that it can just come back to haunt me and blow up in my face?"

"Castiel I just."

"You just what? I hide nothing from you. Why don't you trust me?" He says in a heavy tone.

I sigh and take in a deep breath. This doesn't feel real.I look at him, really look at him so he can see the sincerity in my eyes. "I do trust you, but it is really hard to be okay with you having a dream about cheating on me. It hurts."

He looks at me with reciprocated sincerity. "I get that it hurts. It hurt me in the dream. It hurt me when I woke up. It hurt me telling you, but it hurts because I know it's wrong and I have no intention whatsoever of ever cheating on you."

I get lost in my thoughts. Him cheating. Him not cheating. Him kissing another girl. Him kissing me. The blurred lines between reality and a dreamed state seem so hard to decipher. If he dreams it then does he want it? Does he think about cheating on me? Does he even want to be with me anymore. I swallow the hard lump that had built in my throat.

"I couldn't handle you cheating on me. I just love you too much to endure that type of pain." I say as I look away from him.

He remains calm and wraps his arms around me pulling me into him the way he did to her in the dream. "Well you have been completely irrational about this whole thing, but I love you so can we just leave it at you loving me and I loving you and no one cheating on the other?" He asks while running his hands through my hair.

I sit there for a moment not really sure what to say. I want the pain away so I feel like I should just push this away for the time and take advantage of him warm embrace. "Tell me again who you love." I say to him.

"I love you Laylah." He says emphasizing the you.

I just want this to be over and need to change the subject before my heart explodes in my chest. I look at him trying to form a smirk, but not really sure if it read that way. "And who is better in bed?"

"Wow babe." He chuckles. "You are better in bed and I love you."

I close my eyes as he caresses my hair and runs a finger across my chin. Him cheating. Him touching. Him loving. I push down those fears as he he takes my cheeks in his hands and kisses me softly on his full lips.

Date Night 3-20

    Date night was like a holiday for us. It came just once a week, but it was always something we looked forward to. Well until everything changed. This week seemed pretty special though because it was his idea since everything changed. However like everything else this magical night was shifting too.

    It started out pretty much like any other date night. I drove down to see Castiel. He came out when I arrived and kissed me. It had been a few weeks since I felt his lips against mine and oh how I longed to feel that surge go through my entire body. His kiss has some kind of miracle effect on me. I literally get lost in them and forget exactly where I am or doing.
    We went into his room and flirted a bit. We really started kissing too. It felt so nice. I could feel his warmth and him really holding onto me. It felt nice and for the first time in a few days I actually felt wanted. We caught our breaths and decided to go out for a ride to pick up some drinks. 
    I figured I had to drive an hour to see him, so I had him do the driving. I was sitting in his car enjoying the chauffeuring when I noticed that he had a bunch of cards in the pocket of his door. It made me smile because right there on top was a card that I had given him with an "I <3 U" all pretty like on the cover. I picked it up while commenting about the card when he got all weird. He grabbed the card and said that they were his and put it back in the side of the door. I was completely taken back. I mean I gave him the card so I didn't see what the big deal was. 
    That's when my head started turning. He obviously had some other cards in there that he didn't want me to see. I had always trusted him because he gave me no reason to not do so. But now all this secrecy was driving me crazy. He was so adamant about me not seeing those damn cards. The anxiety that I had been finally dealing with these last couple weeks was suddenly bubbling at the surface all over again. 
   He immediately noticed my sudden change in behaviors and the way I was holding myself. He joked about it and I swallowed the pain once more so that I could make the best of the situation that I was in. I of course continued out the night having a great time with him, but that little detail was in the back of mind and I just couldn't shake it. 

  Am I an idiot? Am I grasping at straws that aren't even there? 

A Brief History of the Situation

        I started dating this guy about a year ago. He was everything different then what I was used to. I was used to possessive verbal abusive assholes, but he was different. He made me smile and he was so handsome. I could get lost in those gorgeous aquatic eyes of his. I always thought I had experienced real love, but then I fell in love with Castiel. I truly and deeply fell in love with him. 

        He has his own baggage. I mean doesn't everybody? He has an ex who happens to be his brothers wife and his best friend is a girl who is in love with him. Oh ya, sounds like a soap opera? Try living with it. 

        The ex is a special kind of bitch that still likes to try and get under his skin. She sends him texts telling Castiel that she misses him even though she is married to his friggen brother. It is already bad enough that she had an affair, but why not try and reel him in while he is in a committed relationship. I had my fair share of issues regarding her, but in the end I knew he was mine so that ever mattered to me. 

        The best friend. Oh the special best friend that has been a part of his life since he was about 12. Abaddon. Castiel actually referred to her as Fat Amy any time he talked about her because she was a very, very large blond girl. I once asked if they ever hooked up and he just shuddered and said "Oh hell no". He did tell me that she had asked him out a few times, but he always turned her down.  

        She did have this weird obsession with him though. She always got him jewelry with little inscriptions talking about true love and what not. I am not a possessive girlfriend though so I had no reason to get all crazy girlfriend on him and tell him that he couldn't talk to her. Besides, the only time he ever hung out with her was when she was with her niece. 

        About 2 months ago while I was at his house he told me that he was thinking about taking a break. Me, having the all or nothing attitude didn't want to accept that as an option. I mean in my head the only rational reason people take breaks is to go off and screw other people and it be okay. I was not going to accept that at all. His reasoning was that the winter was too difficult because we lived over an hour from each other and he wasn't a fan of the winter months anyway. 

        I truly believe that he suffers from type of seasonal disorder because I could sense a change once the winter came about. I already suffer from my own mental illness and didn't want to think that he suffered as well. Plus he was the most positive person I had ever met. The subtle shifts in his attitude hadn't been too obvious until I looked back and saw it. 

        His mind set had changed too. Open honesty had changed to brutal honesty. He told me that he found me to be a pretty girl, but I was much larger than any girl he had ever dated. My mind kicked into over drive. I had been saying for months that I wanted to lose weight, but found that I got comfortable in the relationship. I stopped trying to lose the weight I needed to feel healthy. It was in that moment I decided I needed change. A slow change, but a change nonetheless. 

        2 weeks ago I had met up with him with Gabriel. The afternoon was going pretty well, but I know Castiel and I know when he is lost in his own head. As we were sitting in my car I asked him to tell me what was going on. He told me that he was fine, but I let him know that I could tell something was up. He said that he didn't want to get into it and in that moment I knew. I asked him if he cheated on me and he said no. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he said no to that too. Something was really wrong. My mouth got dry and the knot in my stomach double in size. 

        Abaddon decided that she wanted to destroy our relationship. She told Castiel  that in a months time she was getting geriatric bypass surgery to get skinny and she was doing it all for him. She told him that she has been there for him for years and years and waiting to be with him. She couldn't get skinny on her own so she was getting this surgery because she was going to be beautiful for him and they were meant to be together. She was aware that he was in a relationship, but now it needed to end because she deserved to be with him and she deserved a chance. 

        What the fuck. I was crushed. I was lost. I couldn't eat and I could barely breath. I felt like a fist had made its way into my chest and had a tight grip around my heart. That was the day that everything changed.

Name References

Due to the fact that I am making this blog with complete privacy I figured that I would start my blog off by making a name reference list of the people who are a part of my every day life. 

I am.. Laylah.

My Family Consists Of:

The most handsome 17 month old son.. Gabriel

My little sister.. Ariel

My Mom

My Dad, who is technically my step father.

My Messed up Love Life:

I am completely in love with... Castiel

His home-wrecker "Best Friend" ... Abaddon

Past boyfriend whom is still in love with me... Zepar

My first love.. Samuel

My 'Friends':

My best friend, but she has a lesbian fetish for me.. Lilith

An old friend who recently came back into my life.. Sofiel

Her son.. Elijah